Saying a Final Goodbye to Dad

Today, well technically yesterday seeing as though it is past midnight, I said my final goodbye to my dad, it was hard, but at least I know that I have said what I needed to say & that my dad was coherent enough to understand what I was saying & was able to respond, he may not have been able to say much in response, it was his physical actions that made it clear that he understood what I was saying. He put his hand to his heart when I said I loved him & held my hand when I said I was proud of him & there was a tear in his eyes. I still managed to make him laugh too which was my mission to make him laugh at least once every time I had been round.

It may not be the last time I see him alive, but I knew I needed to say something whilst he was still coherent & that he knew how I felt about him. It know leaves me feeling safe in the knowledge that I can now talk about things that may seem inconsequential & still be funny & try & give him as normal a sense of life as possible, knowing that I have said what is important. I also cooked for him too, giving him a new taste sensation of Swedish meatballs with mash potato, I used to enjoy cooking with him as a kid & I'm glad that I got to cook for him one last time.

Today I also had the rather novel experience of eating my dinner whilst sitting on a commode, don't worry I wasn't having a shit at the same time.

Coping with PTSD Whilst When your Father is Diagnosed with Terminal Brain Cancer

It has been a while since I posted anything but things have been a little fraught over the summer period & I can only now feel I can write about my experiences. It is hard coping with my PTSD at the best of times which tends to catch up with me in the summer sending me spiralling into depression with the flashbacks & nightmares leaving me struggling to even to muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning. 

This summer has been especially hard on me mentally. I have had to not only muster strength for myself but to support my family. There is no convenient time to hear such news but when it happens at such a difficult time it can seem that somehow life is never going to be happy or better. When hearing for the second time that my dad had had a seizure I had prepared for the worst which may have seemed morbid & almost paranoid at the time, when the news came about I had done my crying for him, did my time of feeling less than strong & was feeling more able to cope with the situation when it came about, leaving me able to be there for not only my dad, but my mum & my sister too.

But because of having dwelt in my melancholy through the summer I felt that I needed to try & get things back to normal. I am trying to not fuss around my dad as it can seem to stifling from someone who needs more of an escape from what is happening rather than dwelling on it. When the news was broken to friends & family though they were very supportive & it did kind of felt like my dad was the most prayed for atheist known to man, with Christians & Pagans alike. 

But what I felt really helped was the support of my partner & friends so I'd like to say an enormous thank you. You have been amazing through a tough time, many of you reinforcing my faith in friendship. I am grateful to you all & I think shall finish writing it here as I started to not be able to see through the tears & I need to get some tissue to blow my nose as I have got to admit it not my most flattering of looks.

PS sorry for the lack of a catchy title

Flu & stuff

I'm sorry it has been a while since I have been blogging I have been puli bad, having had the flu (apparently being ill around here has something to do with misbehaving dogs http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puli ). Now normally I would try my best for my ailments not rule my life, but this did properly floor me. I did go into work but that was more to not knowing whether I would have my shifts covered. I really wished I had phoned in sick so I could have properly rested, but other than going into work I was sensible, hibernating under a duvet, keeping up my fluids, avoiding dairy & eating soup & dry biscuits. I did have to take it easy as flu & asthma are not exactly the kindest of bedfellows & at the moment my lung capacity is not back up to normal & my chest is still rattling like a  toddler with a set of maracas. If you are unfortunate enough to get flu be sensible don't treat it like a cold, take care of yourself as unlike a cold (unless you are an alien from War of the Worlds) the flu can kill. This is one time I let myself be the patient & I do feel better for it

Confidence crash

Sorry for the major hiatus in the posting I had difficulties getting onto my blog. I have had issues recently with my confidence, it took a nose dive recently for real apparent reason, I feel I'm coming out of it as I realised there was no reason why I shouldn't have confidence in my self & kinda shook myself & told myself to get a grip, my life could be worse & has been in the past. Well it appears that I need to de clutter my head & do tasks that are important to me & my life, take strength from my faith. So if you are having a crisis in confidence & your not sure why, dig deep, concentrate on your strengths, do something you love & are good at & you may find your confidence creep back, but the first step is to acknowledge your lack of confidence first otherwise you won't be able to do much about it. The much happier Pagan Chaplain.

Crystals

It's been a while since I touched upon a Witchcraft subject, so I'm going to talk about these sparkly beauties. Crystals have been big business in the New Age & Pagan markets & many books have lists of crystals & their attributes. I've trained in crystal therapy, don't judge me it was a free course & it did definitely do something, but I have a feeling that it was more down to the placebo effect, I believe this due to the fact if 'energy' came into it sure it would bare the scars of a wounded planet possibly wounded men & women as a lot of our beloved crystals are far from ethically sourced, the recent political battles with the platinum mines are case in point. So if they have these energies that heal why don't they bring the energies that harmed the people or landscape in extracting them? Yes gemstones have different properties in their make up diamond being pure carbon, quartz being a silicone dioxide as well as a high scoring word in scrabble, but are we holding on to superstition just for a mass market or does it really work & my scepticism is just working overtime. Does the leaving them out in the sun destroy the 'negative energy' by radiation & the full moon 'realigns the energy' through it's magnetic pull. I never thought I'd see the day when I might put science into said post. I suppose quartz does power watches, but if you wanted quartz that badly go in your garden, those white round pebbles are quartz, Britain is full of quartz, you don't need to get it from some country thousands of miles away, flown in at the expense of the carbon footprint of the planet & at least you know it's ethically sourced & you haven't harmed the planet to get them. I do admit though that I have kept some of the crystals I bought in my less enlightened as to how they were sourced days.

The Right to Die

With Tony Nickilnson shuffling off this mortal coil, dying of natural causes it does bring up many thoughts on the right to die. With his death I can't help feeling confused on what I should be feeling, should I be glad that his wish was fulfilled or sad that he had no say over when he went? As to whether or not I would say I agree with euthanasia is a difficult call. In a clean cut world it could be be seen as an easy decision to make, if they are in a position where they feel trapped in their body & are unhappy then they should be allowed to make that decision. The world however is not that clean cut, there are some people who may not want the burden of someone who is totally reliant on them to everything for them & may press the person into wanting to die and made to feel worthless. In the case of Alzheimer's disease how can someone in the more advanced stages consent? How would somebody know when they feel the time has come, when they are confused themselves? It is not an easy question to be answered, which is possibly why it keeps failing in parliament to shift either way. There are some people despite crippling illnesses like these who achieve great things, Professor Stephen Hawking being a prime example of this, rising through the ranks of science despite having motor neurone disease. What would I do if faced with a similar dilemma, at one point I thought I knew, but if it came to the crunch would my opinions still be the same?

Having belief in yourself

Two posts in one day, woohoo, more to do with the fact that I was supposed to have don one of them yesterday but got sidetracked. So today's meant to post today post is this. As mentioned in my previous post I go to the Pride Proms, which is performed by the BGSO. Each time they pick something that is a bit tricky, they end up stressing, why I'm not entirely sure as they usually pull it out of the bag, this time being no exception. But one of people's main problems mine included if the truth be told is having belief in your self that you can do something. Confidence that you can do something goes a long way in helping you to do it. When I fail in something, it is usually when I don't believe in myself in what I am doing, OK sometimes things don't work out quite as well as anticipated but don't let that put you off, learn from it & then prepare yourself for the next time you have to do it knowing that you not to make whatever mistake it was again & you are approaching things differently rather than hide away, concentrate on what you do well & not what you make mistakes on & you will find you make fewer mistakes & are less likely to fade into the background. The ones who appear confident are the ones that shine & the ones that get noticed in the things that they do & who they are. So go out there be confident & people will appreciate & notice what you do more. Be bold

Men Crying

I cry, simple as, I cry for many reasons, usually through laughter, but there are times I cry because I'm upset, I have had a lot to deal with in my past & it is a good emotional release mechanism to have. I find bottling up my emotions counter productive, it leaves me irritable, snappy & a thoroughly unpleasant person to be around & it would only take something minor to unleash a tirade of abuse on some unsuspecting person in a way that is disproportionate as to what they have done, making them feel crappy & possibly perpetuating said cycle with them. I find it all self destructive & could lead to abusiveness in some people. If you have something inside you that is upsetting you, let it out, if it is something another person can help you with seek them out. Crying is not weakness, it is a release, the thought of manning up take it on chin will just build up resentment, don't be ashamed. If I'm angry I also cry if I get to a certain point, because if I don't I tend to end up with something of an Incredible Hulk complex & someone of my size that is a scary prospect, if I'm angry & I start to cry don't taunt or push me I'm merely trying to stay in control, the best thing to do is walk away & leave me to it. But to many people men crying is taboo, it is something that girls do, men shouldn't cry, this is bollocks, if they did cry perhaps there would be less idiots in the world. So next time you need to cry whether you are a man or a woman just do it it brings relief, if need be do it behind closed doors if you are really that bothered by what other people think, there are worse things you could do.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Confession time, I have post traumatic stress disorder, which leaves me with the overhang of depression for the summer months, so what was so traumatic to cause it, well first off I was indecently assaulted when I was 13 years old by a girl who was a year to a year & a half older than me, then at the age of 21 there was the fact I was almost murdered by spiking from a jealous ex & then there was the mugging at 23 which if it weren't for alternative medicine I would have been left blind in my right eye. It leaves you questioning life & its worth, it leaves you feeling like is your life actually worth living? What are you living for? There are days when you just don't feel strong enough to cope, today is one of those days. I go about my day doing the best I can to cope, to help people out where possible so I don't feel quite so worthless. I'm not my usual talkative self today, I'm sorry, but I kinda needed to write, thought it might do me some good. I'm not the only one in the world that suffers from it, though at times it doesn't feel like it. It takes a lot to come out of the loony closet, if you know someone who has mental health problems, don't shy away from them, it is at that time they need their friends most

A Lack of Concern for Others Well Being

Yesterday I saw a woman fall over a child at the bus stop, she landed on her face & the bridge of her glasses had cut into her nose. I was standing a another bus stop the row behind hers, when I heard one of the ladies who were in front of me waiting for the bus say she's down. Kind of dismayed that none of them looked like they were going to see if she was to be alright, which is contrary to my attitude, I went over to help, & while trying to get someone to offer up something more than a tissue that would only disintegrate & leave pieces stuck in the cut, thankfully another lady got out a clean hanky which would suffice. I not on my own helping her by any shot, there was another lady there who got to her quicker & was doing a good job & there was only little I could do. But whilst I was over there I heard an elderly I would say gentleman but that would be doing gentlemen a disservice, say will everyone who is getting on the bus get on the bus, this was said with obvious impatience in his voice. As it happens the bus driver was not letting people on the bus as he was calling for medical back up, I felt my blood boil but refrained from having a go at him so not to draw attention to or embarrass on the woman who had cut her nose, but I did shoot him an evil look. It is not the first time I have done first aid on someone & made myself late for things because of it, but am I in a minority of people who actually give a damn? I ended up being late to my first day volunteering at a drop in centre once when a woman with cerebral palsy fell into the the road & I was only one of 2 people who came to help her, she sprained her ankle, I did the best I could & phoned for medical assistance due to the way she fell, just in case I had missed something. I keep thinking why does it happen to me, but I really it doesn't I just pay attention to anything to people if something out of the ordinary happens to them. I give up my seat on a bus or on a train for someone who needs it more than me if I'm not sanwiched in by someone who doesn't care & is unwilling to move. I don't consider myself special, different, overtly altruistic or superior for it, but why do people not help, what goes on in their minds that makes them ignorant of others. It take much to help someone out & afterwards you get an overwhelming sense of doing the right thing, plus if I was in such a situation myself I would like to think someone would help. This has happened as a a couple of old ladies helped me off a bus after I had sprained my ankle after landing awkwardly after jumping over a belfire in flip flops (which was quite embarrassing & is not something I will ever do again). Yours Helpfully, Pagan Chaplain.

The End of Abstinence in Sight

Tomorrow sees the end of Lent, no more sitting at my moot drinking Pepsi getting more & more hyperactive as the night draws on. No more feeling like a social leper when turning down a night of going to the pub, yes I will be free, FREE I TELL YOU! In all fairness I have developed more of an appreciation of the alcohol I drink & dare say I wont drink it as much as I did before Lent, as with the frequency at which I drunk it I feel I lost my appreciation of it, though not the taste for it. I found giving up alcohol for Lent easier than I thought I would & don't feel the need to get absolutely hammered tomorrow, causing boredom to everyone except me (I am a very boring drunk as I tend to lecture people on random not very interesting subjects). Though would being away from alcohol this long make me a light weight? I will let you know if I end up face down on the bathroom floor hugging the toilet on Monday. Lent has been a very interesting experience & I feel that I kind of get what Christians get out of it, though I'm in no great rush to do it again. I do seem to have faired better than a fair few people, including Christian clerics which kind of makes me feel a little smug. If you haven't tried it before, it is well worth doing when stick to it. All the best, the still sober Pagan chaplain.

Excuse Me Please & Other Manners

I find myself at times wondering where all the manners from some people have gone, when I walk into work I tend to walk along a footpath which is also a bicycle path & bridle way & one of the things that really annoys me is how some cyclists treat it as their domain only & we should make way for them to pass by divine right without so much as a thank you, most of the time they don't even give you a gesture of them even coming & if I had anything like an iPod on I would have severely mangled to a point beyond recognition & when you out of their way they don't even say thank you, at which point I yell at them YOU'RE WELCOME! like a mad person & mutter to myself about them being rude. There are some customers who come into my place at work (retail not chaplaincy) who stand there at the till they don't say anything no pleases, no thank yous, no shove it up your arses. There are also those people who you open doors for & don't even acknowledge you are there to which my response is similar to that of the cyclists. People who push in also annoy me too, I was on the train with my partner we got up to get off the train at the same time as each other & between me leaving the row of seats & my other half to elderly women barged in in so when I turned round to look lovingly into my partners eyes I ended up with a horrified expression on my face which did not go unnoticed, neither too did the scowl I gave them afterwards as they were getting off the train when i waited for my other half. But the disintegration of manners is not limited to the young it seems to span the whole gamut of society. Have we just expected people will not use manners so there for they decide not use them because what is the point? But surely if that is the case it would make it much more appreciated if people do use them, I know I do & I always use my manners as tends to make people feel better, sometimes I get a little too overjoyed when people use their manners, because it gives me hope for humanity. Sometimes when you use your manners in certain places they give you extras, just because you are being nice in a day when most people are being rude. Be nice to people & they will be nice to you & if they are not make them feel uncomfortable about it if they don't. Don't give up your manners if it seems everyone else does otherwise you will end up being just as rude as them.

Birmingham's Gay Scene Needs A Face Lift

I do have a small group of us who go out guerrilla gardening around the gay scene in Birmingham, we are starting up again to brighten up the place & make the gay scene look a bit better, it had a shiny veneer put on a couple of its main roads, which left the other half of it looking rather bedraggled & sorry for itself & certain things that back onto the area that got spruced up, looking shabby. So the guerrilla gardening group was set up last year, we have ad some successes, some failures & some outright surprises. But with the closure of a couple of the main bars it is starting to look a little derelict, OK the guerrilla gardening group can't fix that but trying to give the area a floral display might go a little way to making the area look good as well as attracting beneficial insects. But it would be nice to get some more people on board, then perhaps we could move onto bigger projects that would make an even bigger impact. I know we are having a shiny new monument putting in with the rhino sculpture in, but we need more than that. I'm trying to rally support but things are going very slowly, which is frustrating to say the least, people are quite happy to moan but are not willing to get their hands dirty. if you know of an area that needs tidying up & renovating start small work your way up & you will be impressed by your little victories, you may drum up help from the local community even if it is a couple of cups of tea. It would be good if more people took pride in their areas so they don't look shabby, but hey ho you can't expect miracles but you can make a difference no matter how small.

Pre Show Nerves

My partner belongs to the BGSO (Birmingham Gay Symphony Orchestra), which is a community orchestra. As with a lot of them music is a hobby not a profession & quite often they all get pre show nerves even though they sound good. Most of the time what holds them back is confidence in themselves & their talent & they are generally relieved when the concert is over & they can reflect on their performance which is generally good, although they will pick it to pieces on occasion. Quite often though pre show nerves are a good thing they get you through where as over confidence can quite often make things go to pot soon as something happens that isn't quite right as you have made no contingency plan. I empathise with them, I do public speaking on occasion, this I find nerve racking too but I find that when I get nervous I talk a lot & that tends to get me through quite well. Though last year it did fail me once & very publicly at Birmingham Pride when I was up on stage trying to welcome on stage acts that were appearing later, in fact I think it was over confidence that nothing was going to wrong mixed with the nerves & a bit of the phew I've conducted my first handfasting & it went well combined together, so more than just one thing created my downfall. But pre show nerves got me a date which had all those nerves running through it & almost 8 years later I'm still with him so good things can come out of it. I also find that it is the same with pre exam nerves to. We get nervous for a reason, to realise we can & do occasionally make mistakes we find the solution to the problem sometimes before it arises or even if it didn't happen at all & everything went perfect. So let your nerves out but don't let them take hold of you treat them with respect & they will serve you well. So good luck to the BGSO I'm sure you will be fabulous as always

Keep Calm & Carry On

These posters are appearing everywhere now & although they had a sense of Britishness about them to begin with, they now have a sense of humour with them, from the likes of Keep Calm & Have a Cupcake to Keep Calm & Remove the Arrow from your Knee (geeks & computer game widows will know what the last one is on about). But it does hold a good advice. Today this was very much true, a major technical glitch could have meant everybody's shift got cancelled if it wasn't for the deputy manager thinking on her feet & instituting a very good plan b. Having made all arrangements to cover pretty much most scenarios that could have arisen & explaining them calmly to the rest of us gave us a sense that even though there was a major underlying problem everything should be OK if we keep it together. The shift went by without a hitch, no one took an arrow to the knee & even though if luck had dealt us a different hand & it turned out worse, we would have gotten through because of our mindset at the time. So today's shift didn't seem much different from any other day, even though the underlying issue wasn't fully fixed till 10 minutes before we closed the doors. Well done guys, proud of you all, especially my deputy manager.

There are days though that I am the one who has to deal with a major situation & I tend to do rather well at it, however on times when there is only minor occasions when only little things go wrong I flap. Perhaps I just vent my panic on the insignificant things so I can be calm when it really matters. But when you panic it invariably leads you nowhere, keep calm & carry on does bring us a relatively positive outcome even if things don't quite go according to plan & then when you get home you can treat yourself to nice cold glass of.. oh yeah I nearly forgot I'm doing Lent, bugger, it will have to be a glass of fruit juice, oh well, no need to panic.